I definitely just missed my flight because I was shoe shopping. But let me explain ...
My guiding light this month is the idea of SOVEREIGNTY. Of taking Leadership, ownership, and responsibility for being the ruler of my own life and my reality.
So when I woke up this morning after a few days of feeling heartbroken, and very little sleep, because this was most likely the last time ever I will see Byron, I looked like a freaking wreck.
The makeup I had put on this morning proved useless, because the tears on the way to the airport ruined my grand plan to not look AND feel like a complete crazy person having a breakdown. And to top it off, I was wearing ugly shoes. Sorel snow boots... for comfort ... but it wasn't snowing and everytime I looked at them I just felt annoyed. (They're cute for snow boots but ... you know what I mean)
So I decided that in the time between arriving at the airport and hopping on my 10:20 am flight (which ended up leaving early by the way), I would do what I could to feel better on the outside so that I could also feel at least a little more together on the inside too.
The end of this chapter in my life literally feels like a piece of me is dying. Along with the dog is also the possibilities and the man and the relationships and the old me, and all the other things that were in any way connected to any of those things ... gone.
So in my mourning, I first went to rite aid to grab a travel sized lint roller (the last one in stock) to get the dog fur off of my black coat, because that just felt like a painful reminder of how shattered I feel. I wanted to leave that HERE.
After my coat was clean, I went to the cosmetic store in the airport where a nice lady kindly made me look alive again with some bare minerals.
And then on the way to my gate, there was a shoe sale at Nine West. And so I found these beauties in my size, and bought them for the nice price of $24.99.
And when I got to my gate, the plane had left. And I didn't care. I didn't care if I had a breakdown, as long as it wasn't pointed at anyone. I don't care if I sit here and cry until I board the standby flight to Charlotte, or if I don't make it back to Charleston until 8 hours after I was expected to.
And the not caring is kinda liberating.
And at least now I feel like the "togetherness" that appears on the outside will somehow find its way inside to fill the cracks of the brokenness and apartness and dismembering that I'm feeling right now.
My wise coach Julia says this is the part of self-development and up leveling that no one ever talks about. The fact that you have to break-down to break-through, and to feel like you've lost everything you thought defined you to create cleared space to hear the wisdom inside ourselves.
And once we've done that, there's something worlds more amazing right on the other side that says "I've been waiting for you," and is so elated to greet you.
But you have to go through the shit. Changing your life in any way, or living your dreams is NOT easy. We can find EASE in the process, but it doesn't mean we get to bypass the real and raw parts. Suffering is optional, but pain is not. Pain is just an inevitable byproduct of change.
And we don't ever get to deal with it in the "perfect way." There's no right way to be sad, or to feel your feelings. It's okay and perfectly acceptable to be in your mess. The mess is freaking awesome!
But for me right now, I want to move through it and on with it. I'm ready. I can sit in the hot discomfort and be with the tears without judging myself, but I'm ready to get back to me again and come home to myself.
And the me I know and love knows the power of a good pair of shoes when you're trying to get home.